I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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