I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
