I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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