We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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