did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
