he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
