if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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