I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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