Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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