Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
