i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
