They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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