i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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