I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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