and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
