I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
