No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
