Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
