So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
