It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
do nipples grow back?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize