Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
