I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
