its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Man Helps Gorilla Find His Next Tinder Date
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.