Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
