Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
