i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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