just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
