you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He? As in you personified your dick?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
