My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That accounts for only three of the penises
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
