It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
