He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
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They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
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Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.