in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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