My liver just broke up with me...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
