I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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