the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
