At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
