I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
