every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
