So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
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we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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