how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
