his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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