You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
