you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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