Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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