i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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