Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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