brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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