Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
