he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We need a shit load of segways right now
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
