Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
