You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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