so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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