Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
farters have to be the big spoon...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
