The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬