I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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