She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
