i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
