you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
